SHOCKING! [SEX THAT REALLY GIVES YOU A BUZZ]

    There’s a pretty village called Stanstead Abbotts, which has been voted one of Hertfordshire’s best kept. Go past The Jolly Fisherman pub and over the River Lea and at the end of the High Street by the old mill stream there’s a former malthouse where Andy Smith makes electrical things to stick up your bottom and go round your cock. Yes, I’m at the heart of the British electro sex industry. “Quite a lot of people know what we do now,” Andy tells me. “It’s never offended anyone. The guy that owns the place, he’s never had an issue with it. He gets his rent on time. We don’t do any harm to anyone.”

    I tell Andy it’s a relief to know there’s no harm done because having sex while you’re plugged into the mains sounds a bit risky. He looks at me askance. “We don’t do mains really,” he informs me. “Our products are battery operated.” You’ll also be pleased to hear that he knows what he’s doing. He’s got a degree in electronic engineering. He came into the electro sex business by accident. “I was an electronic design engineer for a medical company,” he tells me. “My main role was the design and development of pelvic floor muscle stimulation equipment for women with incontinence. I used to put an electrode in there, apply stimulation. It was like a pelvic floor workout. The woman sat and watched the telly while this thing done the business.” The business had an unexpected side effect. Andy realised what it was when women started telling him how much they enjoyed using his product. Yes, they were getting turned on.

    This was more than ten years ago, when the electro sex industry was in its infancy. “There was one company in America at the time,” Andy says. He began offering his ElectraStim range, the first electro stimulators available in the UK, in 2001. He now calls ElectraStim the “Stella Artois of electro sex”, i.e. a bit more expensive but worth it. “There are cheaper products on the market that don’t feel as good as ours,” he maintains. “All of our devices use transformers on the output which give a more natural sensation. Some companies use other types of electronics and they’ve got a very crude, hard feeling which is not such a nice experience.”

    I’m looking at his Electro Pleasure Catalogue, without really understanding how the system works. “ElectraStim directly stimulates your nerve endings using carefully produced electrical signals,” says the catalogue. Andy unwraps his EM32 starter kit (£99). “We do 3 different types of electro sex adventure pack,” he explains. “It’s a way into electro sex to see if you like it. You get this kit which consists of a stimulation unit, a cable, battery, full instructions and an accessory. Depending on which kit you go for the accessory could be a probe, a set of cock and scrotal loops, or self adhesive patches. You can apply these patches anywhere but a really cool thing to do with them is to stimulate between two people during lovemaking. The idea is that each person wears a patch, you plug the cables into each patch and, when they come into contact, it completes the circuit so the people become the electrodes. When the guy’s dick goes into another guy, the signals flow up the guy’s arse. Here’s a graphic. That gives you an idea. I mean that’s a vagina, but it can just as easily be an arse.”

    Because he doesn’t ask questions, Andy isn’t positive how his products are being used. He suspects, however, that most of his customers are – don’t get me wrong here – wankers. Then again, he adds, “A lot of gay guys are playing around with their partners. The same customers keep coming back and buying more accessories. We get people who will pay £800. The big spenders are the older generation.” The gay market has been a voyage of discovery for Andy because he’s straight. (Yeah, too bad. He’s 45, shaved head, fit. But straight). “Until I worked in this industry I didn’t really have any gay friends,” he admits. “I was born in Cheshunt and you’re not exposed to it as much as you are in London. Basically we went to visit some shops. RoB London was one of the first. All the RoB shops across Europe sell our stuff now.”

    What has surprised Andy most about his new friends, the gayers? “The size,” he replies, referring to the objects that some of us slide into ourselves and our partners. “I’d go into these shops and I thought those big rubber dildos were a gimmick. That to me was a surprise.” Now he’s catering for our demands. “We’ve just launched a range of extreme anal probes. We’ve sold out of the two larger ones. We’re getting very good advice from the gay market, they recommended the sizes. Our first set of drawings, they said they weren’t big enough.”

    I have to ask this. Has Andy tried any of his butt plugs himself? “Not the bigg’un. [Intimidator, £179]. Not even that one [Invader, £149].” Well, what size has he tried? “I’ve tried our classic ones, these ones [the catalogue says ‘Our range of classically shaped butt plugs have been designed to allow easy insertion and effective hands-free retention’]”. Do they hit the spot for a straight guy? “Yeah, definitely.” So now you know. As if you didn’t already.

    Next on my itinerary is a tour of the ElectraStim factory. I do a double take at the size of the cock rings. The largest diameter is 48mm. Check your tape measure and put your tongue back in your mouth. Does Andy sell many in this size? He nods then smiles, “I know. What are their phone numbers?” In the packing room Andy has got his old Dad at work on the production line. “I’m very proud of him,” Dad assures me. (Mum, on the other hand, hasn’t yet been able to tell the neighbours exactly what Andy makes in Stanstead Abbotts).

    Back in his office, Andy sticks one of his probes into my hand and shows me how to operate the EM32 control unit. I keep pressing the “increase” button until I can feel the probe sending out its sexy signals. The “mode” button changes the pattern of the stimulation. It was building gradually but now I can feel it pulsing. Just to prove how butch I am, I keep pressing the “increase” button until the display shows 18, the highest level. My hair’s starting to stand on end. But Andy looks at me as if to say, “What a wimp.” He sells a high-end unit with 99 levels.

    Finally an assistant brings in the extreme anal probes we looked at in the catalogue. Here’s the aforementioned Intimidator, a sleek object of acrylic and aluminium that wouldn’t look out of place in an art gallery. It’s shaped like a torpedo and I have a feeling that something slightly smaller sank the Lusitania. Andy says, “So now you’re asking me why I haven’t shoved that up my arse?” I take his point. But I’m tempted by the EM32 starter kit. Andy says that once you’ve tried electrified sex, unelectrified is dull: “You’re not going to get that extra tingle, are you?” He asks me if I want to take a kit home to play with. As I say, tempting. But not only am I butch, I’m magnanimous. I’m offering it to a QXMEN reader instead. Don’t worry, I haven’t used it.

     


    SAFETY INFO

    IF USED IN THE CORRECT WAY ELECTRO STIMULATION IS PERFECTLY SAFE.

     

    WARNING – DO NOT USE IF….

    You suffer from any form of heart condition, Above the waist, Over inflamed, swollen or broken skin, If you are suffering from any form of penile, vaginal or anal disorders, If pregnant

    If you suffer from epilepsy

    Cyrex Ltd. and Firststar Ltd. will not be held responsible or liable for any injury, harm or accident resulting from the use of any of its products how so ever caused. Use of Cyrex products implies that you have read the instructions prior to use and accept these terms. No medical claims are expressed or implied.


     

    WIN! For your chance to win this ElectraStim EM32 Erotic Electro Stimulator from Cyrex Ltd., just answer this question. Who in history is said to have discovered electricity? a. Benjamin Franklin, b. Aretha Franklin or c. Franklin D. Roosevelt. Email your answer to [email protected] placing Electrastim Competition in the subject field, along with your name and contact details, or post your answer to QXMEN, Electrastim Competition, 23 Denmark Street, London WC2H 8NH. Entries should arrive by Friday April 29th when the winner will be drawn at random. Sorry guys, but the competition’s open to UK residents only.