We like Americans really. Well, most of them. But some Brits reckon that everything bad comes from America and we can see their point. This isn’t the place to discuss gun culture, fast food and L. Ron Hubbard. But we can deal with another bad habit we’ve picked up from our American cousins, arrogance and rudeness in the dating arena. Once upon a time, when lonely hearts ads appeared only in magazines, everyone was very respectful. “ALA” stood for “all letters answered.” Photos weren’t expected, they were “appreciated.” But then, in the late 1970s, a new type of gay man – tough and buff, mean and macho – appeared in New York. He wanted to have as much sex as possible with hot guys and therefore didn’t want to waste time meeting prospective dates that weren’t at least as hot as he was. The demand “no fats, no femmes, no freaks” began turning up.
“ NO FATS, NO FEMMES, NO FREAKS!”
This bad attitude is now widespread in online and phone app profiles in the UK. A manual, The Big Book of Gaydar (Uncut!), has been brought out to show us how to sell ourselves on the world’s biggest gay dating website. (There are 6 million profiles on Gaydar. That’s the equivalent of the entire population of Scotland). It’s a shame we need to be reminded to be nice. It’s not just a case of politeness costing nothing, as our mums used to say. Author Jockboy26 (that’s his profile name and he replied as soon as I messaged him) also warns us that a list of ‘noes’ is not very attractive or encouraging. “Nobody cares about what you don’t like,” he explains. “It makes you sound jaded and seriously negative.”
That said, Jockboy26 adds that you’re allowed to be negative if you’re not looking for a boyfriend. “This might be because you’re not after commitment or because you’re already in a committed relationship but shagging around,” he suggests. “Now is a good time to be upfront so you don’t waste time or upset anyone.” But can other forms of negativity be acceptable? Probably. “No bareback” is fair enough. And although there are nicer ways of saying it, “no reply without face pic” is just a fact of gay life.
But what’s your opinion of this one (from Manhunt): “Your pics and description must be accurate. NO DECEPTION. If you can’t use a measuring tape or upload a recent photo, then fuck off. If you lie, I’m only going to send your sorry arse home.” It’s just about acceptable because it’s done with humour. But it’s going to discourage a lot of half-decent shags who don’t want to go on a date that sounds more like an audition. The following rant, however, also from Manhunt, simply goes too far. The poster writes three lines about himself and then five lines of invective: “No drama/attitude. Divas stay away! No games! Fit guys only! No reply = not interested.” Get her!
I’ve been trawling most of the major dating websites to find if there’s any pattern to negative comments. Naturally there aren’t enough hours in the day to check millions of profiles. I just dipped in and out. But I couldn’t find any common thread linking grumpy profiles. I thought that guys who used “muscle” as a prefix for their Gaydar profile name might be pickier than others. But it’s not the case. I also expected to find more racism. But for every “no Asians” there’s a “no bears”, “no smokers” and “no older guys.” There’s also no pleasing some people (“When I said I want a hairy guy, I meant one with abs.”) Is it OK to be selective? Not in this situation. Selective just reads as narrow-minded. Whereas there’s no law against naming in writing a group of people we don’t like, bear in mind how upset we get every time a tabloid columnist says they don’t like gays.
Wait a minute. I take that back. There are some groups of people it’s OK not to like. Here’s someone from Manhunt on the subject of dirtbags: “A BIG must is personal hygiene. You must be clean ‘n’ fresh all over. Not too much to ask, is it???” The biggest turn-off, however, is the timewaster, which brings out the Grinch in many of us, but particularly this guy on Squirt: “First of all TIMEWASTERS move on! Some of you seem to love the hunt but don’t actually take things to conclusion. I love sex NOT chat or endless messages so please hit on someone else unless you are serious about hooking up. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…”
Generally speaking, the fewer words we write, the less likely we are to be miserable bastards. Maleforce allows members to post videos of themselves. In many of them guys don’t say a word, just grin or give a thumbs up. Meanwhile, on the site’s “Latest Shouts” page, which features messages texted from mobiles, there are hardly any negative remarks, just happy-go-lucky greetings (“Hey guys, don’t be afraid to say hello, catcha later”, “Wow! So excited today!!!”, “Want a warm cuddle.”) Another site, Findmen, lets members show photos and list their vital statistics (age, ethnicity, height, weight, cock size, piercings, etc.) and most guys choose not to write anything else. I got through 27 of 123 pages before I found, “Not being rude just honest… typically not attracted to bears, very hairy guys, black guys or Asians… just puttin’ it out there…” (He’s from Texas).
Brevity is also at the heart of phone apps like Grindr, where you get one sentence to describe yourself and most members make sure that messaging is kept to a minimum prior to a meet or – more common – abrupt logging off or worse. A colleague recalls a disastrous early attempt at Grindr socialising. Someone messaged him and he texted back, “Good pic. How are you?” The guy jumped straight to, “How big are you?” to which my friend replied, “Can’t we chat for a bit?” The response was, “This isn’t Facebook.” The mystery man then not only logged off but also blocked my friend from any further access. “It’s the equivalent,” he tells me, “of walking up to someone in a bar, saying hello, and then having him turn his back on you and ignore you.”
Is this the way the gay scene is going? Treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen? Something tells me this can’t be what most of us want. And yet one final piece of evidence suggests otherwise. You may think you’re doing all right if your Gaydar profile has had a few thousand hits. But the record holder is Bikerbg, who to date has had 8,004,584. Here’s a very popular guy. And yet he’s got a negative profile (“No fem and fat guys pls! I’ll NOT answer to messages or profiles without pix!”) Not only that, but the third most popular guy, Drivingsurfer, who’s had 5,005,564 hits, sounds even more formidable (“If you smoke, do drugs, have lots of body hair or have a beard I am not interested in meeting no matter how good-looking you think you are.”)
These guys can afford to be choosy, you might say. But I’ve read Jockboy26’s profile (“I’ve made some great friends here… I’ve also had some great shags”) and I know which I prefer.
The Big Book of Gaydar (Uncut!) is published by Book Guild at £6.99
Parker Wiley from Brutal courtesy of Raging Stallion Studios