As I said to former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith on a radio programme a few weeks back, porn is fantasy and should never be confused with anything in real life.

Sorry about the name-dropping. I don’t usually do it. But it is germane to what we’re discussing this month.

Jacqui was worried that porn encourages straight men to assume that all women are filthy sluts who just want to be shagged until they scream.

I told her I didn’t believe that this was the case any more than gay men assume that the plumber is going to strip to the buff and have a wank before he replaces the immersion heater. This sort of thing only happens in Pornland. And the half-hearted way that porn implies that it’s not fiction but fact makes me laugh.

Take my favourite smut site of the moment, Massage Bait. I love it and I think you will too.

Here’s the set-up. A masseur arrives at an apartment that looks as though it’s owned by a Russian oligarch. The client might be a doctor or an investment banker. But he’s always straight. Sometimes he’s split from his girlfriend, or his wife’s out shopping, that sort of thing.

While the masseur’s unfolding his table, he tells the client that he’s been in business about ten years and he’s got a lot of big name sports and movie stars. Whatever pain the client’s got, the masseur’s assessment involves the client bending over and the masseur putting his hands up the client’s shorts.

Sometimes the client flinches and says, “Hey, man!” But the masseur replies, “Trust me. I’m a professional.”

The masseur goes to another room while the client strips, lies face down on the table, and puts a towel about the size of a face cloth over his arse. The masseur returns and starts pouring oil just about everywhere.

Even if the client has shoulder pain, most of the massage is done on his arse, which is then probed, fingered and licked while the masseur gets a hard-on and the client lies there motionless, presumably thinking that this is all completely normal.

The client turns over. The masseur gives him a BJ, then pulls out his own cock and sticks it in the client’s mouth. Then the masseur fucks the client in three positions. Usually they both come. The end.

This is all pretty hot stuff. The masseur is a muscle daddy with perfect teeth and a cock that never goes down. The clients jump on it without a second thought. They groan, “Oh fuck, yeah!” and completely forget that they’re straight.

As fantasy it’s fine and it hits the spot. But it doesn’t make any sense. The masseur with ten years’ experience is actually Tyler Saint, who’s been a porn star since 2006. Maybe he’s got a sideline in massage? No. In an interview with Playgirl he said he has a cleaning company.

Similarly the heterosexual clients are all gay porn models. “So you’re an accountant?” Tyler says to Danny. No, he’s not. He’s Danny Lopez, who’s appeared in nearly a hundred gay pornos since 2001.

You may say, and if you did you’d have a good point, “Well, they’re just actors playing roles.”  But nowadays porn models don’t act unless they’re faking an orgasm. On Massage Bait, everyone’s just being themselves. They call each other by their porn names.

You’d think, as they’re supposed to be straight, that the clients would at least protest a little when Tyler prises their butt cheeks apart. (They could reluctantly submit later. That might be quite horny). But everyone just accepts it. One even goes to sleep and has to be woken up.

The director must have said that this behaviour is perfectly acceptable. But why? Porn is just so daft. But that’s one of the reasons we love it.

“EVEN IF THE CLIENT HAS SHOULDER PAIN, MOST OF THE MASSAGE IS DONE ON HIS ARSE, WHICH IS THEN PROBED, FINGERED AND LICKED WHILE THE MASSEUR GETS A HARD-ON”

Once upon a time porn actors had to try to be other people. They were given scripts and had to learn lines, sometimes reams of them. This was my favourite porn period. The bad dialogue was so badly delivered. It was a treat to listen to.

I remember some college jock saying to another words to the effect of, “There’s only enough hot water for one shower so do you mind if I join you?” They don’t write lines like that any more. Today porn actors have to improvise.

But this takes more skill than remembering lines. I think Tyler’s very good when he’s having sex. He generally looks as though he’s enjoying himself. And to do a sex scene, sometimes in one take with little or no direction, does take skill.

But he can’t improvise. He just sticks to the information he’s been given, which is why we keep hearing that he’s been a masseur for ten years.

On rare occasions on Massage Bait Tyler works with a co-star who goes “off script” and this is worth seeing. Jason Crew has a cock so big that he can fuck himself. (Unfortunately he doesn’t do it here). “Ten years, huh?” he says in disbelief when Tyler comes out with the same old statement.

Later he tries to get chatty, but Tyler ignores him. Another interesting client is bald “surfer” Troy Michaels. When his hand accidentally brushes Tyler’s crotch, he asks, “Dude, was that your dick?” But he seems to have said it too early so that conversation also goes nowhere.

Later, when Tyler’s doing what he does best, fucking like a piston, Troy says, “Can you not go so deep, please?” Lines like that aren’t usually kept in.

In every scene the HD camera gets in there closerthanthis, following the oil as it caresses every muscle, and picking up every pore, goose pimple and blemish. So Massage Bait is always good to look at.

But the best scenes are of course those in which the straight client is in reality so not straight that he can’t wait for the massage to finish and the sex to begin. This brings out the best in Tyler, who says that he’s too busy for a girlfriend with no conviction whatever.

(In fact he’s a regular on one of the rougher sites, Bound Gods, and also gets fucked mechanically in Butt Machine Boys).

There are in my opinion two star turns on Massage Bait at the moment. Dodger Wolf is a hairy bear reminiscent of those working guys in old Joe Gage films. His big cock is twitching as soon as he turns on to his back and at one point he removes Tyler’s hand from it because he’s about to squirt.

Also don’t miss clean-cut Jackson Lawless, “on leave from the army”, who becomes an animal when he’s roused. (In the movie Up Yours he fists himself). Here he feels for Tyler’s cock, takes it in three positions and comes when he’s squatting on the Tyler tool. Tyler looks impressed.

In amidst the games of let’s pretend there appear to be one or two guys who really do seem to be predominantly straight and gay for pay. You can see them struggling to zone out. Tyler doesn’t look happy and goes through the motions.

I can’t help wondering whether it wouldn’t be better to have more honest porn. But would it still be porn? There’s no question that this formula works. Massage Bait has been so successful that earlier this year it spawned a rival site called Rub Him.

Here a Tyler Saint look-alike, Trace Michaels, unfolds the table and assesses the non-existent sports injuries. Let’s just lie back and enjoy it.

www.massagebait.com, www.rubhim.com